If you’ve been dumped, it’s natural to want to make him regret his decision.
I’m assuming you want to make him regret leaving you because you want him back. Or maybe you want him to suffer a little bit, fair enough. I get where your head’s at.
Missing someone isn’t enough of a reason to get back together. You broke up for a reason, probably several reasons, and those reasons don’t disappear because you miss each other. If you try to make him miss you, it may work to get him back, but you’ll probably end up breaking up again shortly after.
I’m going to tell you how to make him regret leaving you, and it just so happens that doing these things will help you get to a stronger, more empowered place overall, a place where you’re ready for an emotionally healthy relationship, either with the ex or someone else.
1. Follow the no-contact rule.
This is a must whether you want him back or you want to get over him. You must cut off all contact. No calls, no texts, no snaps, no staging accidental run-ins, and I’ll also add no creeping on his social media accounts even though that doesn’t technically count as contact because it has the same damaging effect.
Studies have found that continuing contact with an ex can disrupt emotional recovery. So you basically cause yourself to be stuck in the same vulnerable, miserable place.
A breakup can cause a lot of confusing emotions and you’re not exactly using your best judgment during this time. You need time and space to detox from it all.
Your impulse control is way down after a breakup, which can cause you to do things that sabotage your chances of getting what you truly want, which is to get your ex back (or maybe to move on completely). You may act unhinged or needy or desperate, and this may make him feel even more sure he doesn’t want to get back together. This will also jackhammer your self-esteem into the ground. This is not what we want here.
2. Give him what he wants.
Does he want a breakup? Great, give it to him!
Sometimes it takes a whopping dose of giving someone what they think they want in order to make them realize they don’t want it.
He broke up with you…OK, now you’re not in his life anymore. Now he can feel what that really means. He can’t experience the pain of your absence unless you are absent.
He’s not going to expect you to just let it go. He probably will expect you to chase him, he’ll expect to be able to get you back as soon as he wants you, he thinks he’ll continue hearing from you, and he most likely doesn’t think this is so final.
Don’t let him be so sure of these convictions!
Don’t go where you aren’t wanted. You are worth more than that. And please don’t try to stay friends with him, this never ends well!
3. Move on.
After a breakup, you shouldn’t ask, “How can I get him back?” You shouldn’t even ask the title of this article: “How can I make him regret leaving me?”
The question you should be asking is: How can I move on from this?
It feels counterintuitive if you want him, and whenever I give this advice to my coaching clients I can see the immediate resistance on their faces. I’m trying to get him back and she’s telling me to move on?! But it must be done.
You have to remember you can live without him. You have to get back in touch with yourself, remember you? I bet you lost a lot of yourself in this relationship… the end of a relationship can absolutely swallow you whole. So check in with you- how are you doing? What is it you need? You’ve spent so long thinking about him and his needs and his feelings… what about you?
Is it possible to get him back? Yes, but that can only happen further down the line when you’ve both worked on yourselves and are emotionally healthy enough to repair what broke the first time in the relationship. If not, then history is just going to repeat itself.
4. Get strong again.
A relationship on the decline can deplete you. Your time away from him is the equivalent of a can of spinach for Pop-Eye, it will help make you strong again.
Become someone stronger than who that relationship made you. Find your inner power. Find your power of choice- do you really choose him? Or do you just want him because it’s easy and comfortable and you already know him and you’d rather go back to something familiar and comfortable even if the familiar isn’t what’s best for you because starting over is just so daunting?
If you don’t find your inner power, you will just be at his mercy and will cave in whenever he wants to see you. You may put up with bad behavior because you’re scared of rocking the boat and ruining your chances of getting him back. This may lead you to a toxic on-again off-again relationship. Be stronger so you can make better choices for yourself.
5. Don’t take him back.
I’m not saying you can’t get him back and make it work a second time, it’s definitely possible (I mean, I married an ex!). But it will not be different unless something is different!
Change takes time and work and reflection and insight. You broke up because it was broken, broken things don’t magically repair themselves. Both people need to be committed to fixing whatever broke. Both people need to work independently on themselves and together as a unit.
So if he comes back… don’t be so quick to give in. Don’t run and see him whenever he beckons. Don’t answer his texts in the middle of the night. Don’t be a starving puppy panting at his heels, waiting for any scrap of affection he’s willing to spare. This will not make you feel good about yourself, it will only make things worse.
I promise you are not always going to feel the way you do right now. You will not always miss him so intensely. You will one day be able to envision a better, brighter future for yourself that doesn’t include him. One day you will look back and realize this was for the best. One day you will realize that this shaped you in immeasurable ways. It will all make sense eventually. And the sooner you can let this go and reconcile with what is, the sooner you will free yourself and can move on and be happy.