Let’s talk about how you might unintentionally be pushing guys away and turning them off.
No one ever wants to be the desperate girl, but if that’s the place you’re coming from, then it will come across in your actions.
This isn’t just about men and pleasing a man, this is really about you. If you’re coming from this desperate place, it tells me that you have some self-esteem issues that you need to address.
You may not even realize that your actions are coming off as desperate, which is why it’s important to know what desperation looks like and what’s at the heart of it.
1. Talking endlessly.
When you talk and talk, it just comes across like you’re trying to prove something.
And I get where this comes from. You like this guy and you want him to like you so you try to show him all the amazing sides of yourself all at once instead of letting him discover you slowly. If you don’t tell him how smart and accomplished and interesting and well-traveled and well-read you are… well, then how is he ever going to know?
This comes from a feeling of not being enough. You don’t think showing small pieces of yourself is enough, so you get it all out there! A secret about attraction is that people don’t become interested in you when you show them how interesting you are. They become interested in you when you show interest in them. So this whole song and dance is just backfiring on you.
Not to mention, endless talking comes across as braggy and arrogant.
Also, this non-stop talking energy is draining. A man might think that a life with you will mark the end of silence for him and who wants that? It just comes across as being a little too much.
So on a date, try to listen and really take in what the other person is saying instead of simply waiting for your turn to speak. Notice when you’re proving yourself and stop because you have nothing to prove. If he’s the right guy for you, he’ll see your worth, it won’t need to be spelled out for him. And above all, instead of getting so caught up in how he feels about you, focus on this: is he good enough for me?
When you do that, you make a shift and instead of being a chaser, you become a chooser.
2. Being too aggressive.
I am not saying you can’t or shouldn’t ever initiate or make a move. You can show interest.. but then leave it alone.
Maybe there’s a guy you like and you text him asking him to hang out and he says he’ll get back to you later that day… and later that day comes around and you haven’t heard from him and you wonder if you should follow up… don’t! You planted the seed, now let him do some work.
Don’t always be the one to initiate texts or dates … a man will never have the space to care for you and invest in you if you are going all the work.
Being too aggressive is just a turn-off, and this is on both sides, it’s a turn-off when men do it as well. It may have served you well in your career, but when it comes to your love life, you shouldn’t ever have to go after someone so fervently. The right person for you doesn’t need to be backed into a corner.
Also, when you are always the one to initiate you can fall into the passive reciprocation trap. This is when a woman reaches out to the man the majority of the time.. and he always replies, and he’s nice and maybe even flirty. She may also ask him to hang out… and he’ll agree! And they probably have a nice time, they may even hook up. Now the woman thinks that he must have feelings for her… because why would he reply otherwise? Why would he hang out with her?
However, unless she reaches out to him, she basically won’t hear from him. He is just passively reciprocating her advances and the reason is that he does kind of like her… he just doesn’t like her enough to want to be with her, because if he did, he would do something about it!
If you stop initiating, you probably just won’t hear from him anymore, or maybe he’ll hit you up every few months when he’s bored or horny or wants a nice ego boost. This may confuse you, you may think he’s sending mixed messages, but what happened is by you always initiating and reaching out, you kind of forced a relationship that otherwise wouldn’t have existed because he was never all that interested.
3. You have an agenda.
This is the biggest area that trips women up. When you have an agenda, you can’t just enjoy the relationship for what it is, you need it to move in a certain direction in order to feel OK.
For example, let’s say you want a committed relationship with this guy and that is your goal.
When you have a goal, you can’t form a meaningful connection with the guy because every interaction is measured in terms of whether it takes you closer to or further from your goal.
If he texts you a lot one day, great! He’s clearly thinking about you a lot. One step closer to the goal. If he goes a day or two without texting you, then you’ve gone backward. And when you go backward you feel despair.
You are basically interacting with him like an object- he is a means to an end. You can’t really be present and form a connection with him because you’re interacting with the worried thoughts in your own mind- how does he feel about me? Was I too insecure the other day? Is he serious about me? Did I sound too desperate when I texted him 4 times in a row yesterday? Does he seem excited by me right now? Does he look bored on this date? Is he going to ask me to come over? Should I? Or should I make him wait? How can I make him want me?
You basically view him as a reflection of you, a representation of your worth and worthiness. Suffice it to say this isn’t a healthy attitude, it’s a desperate one. And he will pick up on this energy and he will be turned off.
Rather than worrying and wondering, try to just be in the moment and enjoy it.
4. You post endlessly on social media to get a rise out of him.
If your entire social media strategy these days is only posting things to elicit a reaction from you… then you are being way too desperate.
Watch it with the thirst traps and the posts about how amazing you are and how amazing your life is… people who actually feel this way don’t typically feel the need to post about it.
Trying to get a rise out of him via your social media looks like him blowing you off one night… then you going out looking amazing and posting endless photos of you out and about and having the time of your life to really show him who’s boss! There is nothing wrong with posting after a night out, but you just need to be aware of your intention. If you’re trying to spark a certain reaction in a certain person, it’s coming from a desperate place.
5. You play games.
Guys know when you’re playing games and they are not into it. It can be a little fun and exciting at first, but it gets old really quickly.
Here’s the thing about “games.” The only reason they sort of work and the reason the idea took hold is that playing games creates the illusion of confidence. You follow certain rules, like making him wait before texting him back, to make it seem like you are a busy, in-demand woman. But if you aren’t actually… then your true self is going to emerge eventually! And then what? That’s why games can be effective at capturing a man’s attention, but they don’t really help you sustain a relationship.
Playing games points to insecurity and immaturity. It comes from a place of feeling like your true self isn’t enough so you need to act like someone else.
A better strategy is to focus on being that confident, high-value woman, rather than pretending to be.
Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get.
You get there by having standards, having boundaries, knowing what you will and won’t accept, and cultivating a life that you love, one that is so fulfilling that having a guy is a nice addition, not necessarily a vital piece of the puzzle.